too much

Ever feel like it is all too much. like the weight of the world is closing in around you. As you sit there weeping into your palms all snot nosed and begging  for childhoods simplicity to return?????? Maybe if just for one moment there was justice in the world and the bad taste was gone. If for one moment you had the power to ease the ache of a millenia. To heal the motherless children and the childless mothers..to rejoice in an honest world. If just for a glimmer of a fraction of time if we could see beyond the screens of our computers,tvs' and smart phones..if we could rember the smell of the grass after a spring shower with youthful wonder. And not grimace like adults that we have become; at the melting ice cream running down our wrist..if we run and giggle and delight once again in just being together and being alive...when time nor finance made a difference. Where death and taxes were but a figment of the imaginary adult word we would fight to escape..To feel the stomach ache from laughing our selfs into a gasping heap.

10 years

In 2001 I learned to hate myself..I was 18. I was in love with my best friend, my hero my swashbuckling anime haired sword swinging door holding saxophone playing v-dub loving trench-coat sporting D&D geek best friend. I had to keep him to my very own. We were wed a fairy tale come to life ..Oh and did I mention I was about 4 months pregnant? Things were great for the 1st few months. We struggled to save ver a grand with him waiting tables and staying at my moms for a while. We moved into a modest new mobile home in a quiet park. We had a mortgage and a yard. A lovely dog wood tree bloomed in the back yard among the ivey and honey suckles. We were in bliss. Then the evil arrived. It seeped in through our pores and into our hearts and minds. it tainted us with fears and lies. It began to eat away at the heart and foundation of our relationship. it was attacking our friendship. There it began with a little white lie about the cost of the tea kettle   or a side ways glance to another younger man I might have fancied at the ripe old age of 19. Our angel was born into the turmoil of our youth. With teenage angst we ignored every "dont" and "do" the older wiser ones spat at us. In post par-tum depression and hormonal rage I threw my self into the arms of another younger and darker. The evil started to take over my mind. The smiling rosey cheeked bride gave her very life to escape the one thing she could not escape: her self. She rose up to meet a dark prince upon his throne of thorns. With a promise of a grand life. Eventually giving up even my very freedom for the dark one that had hold on my mind and heart. My husband I abandon, m home I walked away from letting it fall back to the owner with who we were buying, several cars I burned out dying to taste the drug, my addiction to an evil man. I walked many miles from truck stop to truck stop with the dark soulless being at my side. Searching for an escape from myself. We met strangers and prostitutes drug lords and saints. We walked 300miles in worn this boots to find I was every where I turned. The journey never ceasing. I would walk away from my child again and again searching with the dark man for the missing piece..for the peace I had lost. For the peace I had given up. One winter I trudged from Alabama to te eastern coast of North Carolina. I said it was to spend Christmas with my daughter. But I really only wanted to go home. Home to my modest little trailer with my newly wed husband and our green carpets and garden tub. Home to before it all began. But when I arrived I found him in the arms of not another but 2 ladies of the night. Again i trudged onward. Northerly to the arms of a brother. broken bonds and promises and the dark force seeping back into my heart my mind drunken on power and cheap liquor. Bond to rid myself of myself. I wander and roam the earth in bloody socks and tear stained glasses. In a jail cell or a hell house. I wander in darkness. Blindly flying thru the night too drunk to see the road before me crash and burn into the night. Nearly taking my own life and 2 others. Innocent victim to my ignorance. I ruined my spine, my car and my drivers privileges. I drank on. Drowning my self in worthless self pitty. Never escaping the darkness of my soul. The younger  evil man became a self proclaiming saint equal aged..dark none the less. Drowning in his own self loathing. Requiring sexual and mental demoralization to earn his favor. Nigh after night day after day following his bidding.  In 5 years my husband and I found our selfs laying in one another's arms. A vision of the past of our youthful love gave hope. But the darkness never ceasing. The light could not make it threw. He was there to remind me of myself. And I loathed it. I ran leaving nothing but the ring on a nail "dont come and find me I wont be there" ..The heavens had sent my a new hope..not with out destruction or harm. But my gentle Leo-virgo child of the clearest sky..my souls 2nd mate? perhaps the 1st being a mistake. he swaddles me in his love and teaches me that leaving will not get me anywhere but away from the warmth I found in him. He feeds my mind body and soul. He cleanses me when I need cleansed he scolds me when i have done wrong. He allows me to run to leap beyond and then silently remorseful to him.. come back to abide in his arms. I began to find what I had lost..to rebirth. to become again what I had lost. In daily pain reminded of my mistakes...I trudge no more. I pray for forgiveness. I weep upon bended knee to our almighty God to lift me up and renue my relations and my heart. To wipe my spirit clean of the darkness. I yearn for the child I have not held in many years. And God answers me with an angel...a tiny soul needing only my love and complete devotion. and in her I find myself..the mother, daughter, friend the beautiful blushing bride whom birthed her sister 10 long years before. God answers me with hardships to toil upon the earth..to test my earnestness. God answers me with renewal in friendships and awakening my very eyes to the grand beauty of a sunset...the blissful reminder of loss in a child's laughter. God blesses me with virtue and burden. All my soul rejoice. I am forgiven and light now shines back thru my eyes. My word and my spirit. I wear an armor of blinding light thus any evil try to break down my soul again I shall not falter. In self love and knowledge I anticipate a battle with the darkness. With a 100 hands to catch me and fight beside me shall I waver. I am not afraid.
In 2011 I learned to love myself.